Hands to Hold

I'm sitting here in my mom's hospital room after her procedure to determine if she has a ulcer or not.  This is the third visit to the hospital in the last 6 months for one thing or another and I lost count for the  whole year. And every time I'm here I can't help the fear and anxiety while she lays in her bed waiting for the next round of test and the relief and gratitude when we walk, well wheel, her out the door that she made it through another bout of something.

My heart aches so much watching her and knowing there is nothing I can do to really help. I try to put on a happy face. I try to make her as comfortable as possible, but it is never enough to take away the fact that she's stuck in a bed hurting and uncomfortable with tubes sticking out every possible place they can put one. And then there are times she's not aware of what's going on and I can see the confusion and fear in her eyes.

I just don't know what to do she's my mom. she took care of me for years now all I want to do is take care of her. She was the strong one, the one who held my hand when I had to go to the hospital. She was the one who made me feel better no mater the issue. She was so vibrant and even when times were tough made everything ok. Now to see her lying here watching for every breath she takes I feel helpless.

Even though I know she'll be going home soon, I also know that I will be back here sitting in a chair waiting for her to wake, wanting to be the hand she can hold to get her through another stay.  

Sorry I don't mean to always be on the negative, it's just sometimes when so much is going on it's hard to keep that happy face going, know matter how hard you try. And sometimes just to be able to put it out there hoping someone may understand where you're coming from helps. Even if you don't know the person who may be reading.

So until next time; Make each moment count with those who were there for you and held your hand during those hard times.