One Step at a Time

Here it is the first day of the new year, 2015. I have to admit that like everyone else I love New Years, even though I never have anyone special to kiss at midnight and I don't really do much. I usually spend it with my sisters and mom and we go to dinner and a movie, which is what we did last night. Then we come home watch the count down, yell Happy New Year, make a toast with sparkling grape juice and either go to bed or watch a video. Some times if we know we are going to get out of the movie closer to 12:00 we will have our sparkling grape juice waiting in the car and we will sit in the car til 12:00 and make our toast in the car.

Sounds like a great night huh.Well the other reason i like New Years is it's a great point in time to stop and  evaluate yourself and make some changes, resolutions or goals. I personally like the word goals. Even though the resolution is more precise to the whole purpose of making a change in the new year. It seemed that when you say my New Years resolution is... if you don't keep it or you falter that's it you didn't keep your resolution, but with goals it's a work in progress by the end of the year you can reevaluate yourself and determine if you made your goal.

So what are my goals? I have so many. For one thing is keep up with this blog. Even though no one really reads it. I just like writing on it, but this past year there just has been so much going on with me and my family, especially my mom that I lost the desire and let it get cob webs on it. I felt like every time I wanted to write all I was putting out there was negativity.

Which brings me to my main goal for this next year. To get a better outlook and attitude about life. You see I am a very messed up person. I don't know if I'm actually have clinical depression or if I'm border line, but I go through bouts of depression for awhile then I snap out of it for a while then it hits me again.

My life, to me, is in constant chaos. I'm angry and get angry at so many things and even the spiritual part of my life has taken a hit. That has always been the one part of my life that I could count on to be constant and stable and now it is in chaos as well. Ever since I stopped going to one congregation, because of hurt feelings to go to another congregation I've been lost. Now I'm caught between a congregation that rejects me and one that won't except me and I have no where to go.

So my goal is to straighten out my life. You might be saying why not go see someone. I tried that several times and they either didn't want to help because I wasn't open enough or after I did open up I was not messed up enough. I don't know, all I know is they didn't help. So I have to do it on my own and it starts today. I am going to take one step at a time to get my life from chaos to order. Everything from my weight, now at 243 to cleaning the disaster that I call my room.

This is a year of positive change. Moving to a new home, losing weight and getting healthy and start writing seriously again. So here's to the new year and to all it's possibilities and to all the positive change that you can believe in.